I am not sure where I belong. I fit slightly yet I am still out of the realm. I live in the United States, where I am reminded through my cultural ways I am still an outsider with papers. I have even a worst time living in the south , where I some how stand out even more. I know it is natural to be different , just how different am I?
I recently went home to celebrate my grandfather’s 90th birthday. He is such an inspiration, he keeps a positive attitude while he takes care of our half land, the house, calls all of us all on his cell phone, and travels all the while missing my grandmother who passed away ten years ago. I miss him so when I am away yet he can smother you when close by and I love him. I was talking to him about belonging because when I go home I am ostracized a bit since I live in the United States. My culture is blended and somehow it’s not enough. I am either too much of the other never seen as neutral.
Leaving Jamaica was never my choice, I was a child. I never understood how important a visa could be until now, when I see what I am able to do compared to many of my cousins back home. At times, I felt like I had to be uber-Jamaican just to reassure myself I am , what I am . Whenever I am back home I hear comments in side conversations that jab at my American life, while in the states I feel like I have to represent just to preserve my culture.
In a way, this is why I find cultures fascinating. I am a anthropologist without a degree, I like learning about different people , how they live , what life is like , and pick up a bit of the language. My Papa, he told me all I can do is live my life and love people. Simple. I can do this. I struggle with this because I somehow want to fit . Where? I have no clue . I just want to fit and not be always a foreigner.