I ramble

This world, this life, it  scares me. The capacity of what the human mind can fathom , inspire , destroy and  create  a constant roller coaster ride with hidden doors, clear windows and shadowy nights.  The beauty that has developed naturally in this world  is  slowly fading away as the population increases. I am privileged; I have a life of lazy security. I am a sarcastic ass of sorts  yet somehow at the same time  highly introverted. I am gentle, I cry over everything that is emotionally moving to me ,passive even.  Somehow I lost my way.

I am not truly happy with what I am doing in life. I come from a tiny world barely a spec on the map. A country of third world standards then I was raised in this big world of advancement, modern, credit cards that I use to buy things I barley use and reality t.v (which I do find appalling)  and along the way I lost what really mattered to me. I forgot what I dreamed about when I was little. I had such a plan for myself  and although , I am doing some descent things I am not on the right path.  This is what happens when I meet some also from a third world country, who has endured a fate unimaginable in my life span. Who’s story stirs my core, awakens my soul and  I feel shame. Every time I meet someone who has overcome a major feat that truly put them at deaths’ table. I feel as if I should be more because my path was easier than theirs. What happen? Each encounter veers me more and more back onto the path of little me , with big dreams.

I forgot how special every day is , even the mundane 9-5 ones. How to enjoy the moon and stars at night when I can see them. Sunsets and sunrises, cooking new dishes for the first time and burning some of them.  I have become a drone of life. I don’t want to be this way. So I am taking risk. As the US is going through a crisis I am going to quit my job. It is okay work, provides yet I have reached a place where I can close my eyes and zombie through my routine. I am scared. I am scared of being always on repeat and never on play. I am scared  and excited of not knowing what I will do next. I am scared because it’s natural.   This is good because the fear motivates me for what ? only tomorrow knows

Fear makes Us feel our humanity   Benjamin Disraeli

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