Take a look

Of all places to take a rest in a plastic white chair

We had nothing to really do while waiting for the laptop to complete 1100 updates on Windows. Living on the edge of city and country can led to places like this.

It was once a mining area for a particular type of stone that I , non geologist , have forgotten the name .

beauty of rusted metal in nature
CONTOUR MODELLING

Maybe it’s the countless years of cloud watching or possible a cognitive displacement of feeling but I see a face in the rocks.

Have I failed you or you me?

It’s 1.49 am and I cannot sleep. I hear him drawn in air deeply while my mind is racing with images of people in ICU, hooked up to machines. I begin to have flashbacks to my time at Grady the experience had left a great impression on me. Healthcare is key.

I think of my mommy unable to speak or even acknowledge me, hooked up to many machines and being told it is time. Do I want it to be time? She hasn’t told me her final words yet. She didn’t get to make eye contact with me once more or say ” Mommy loves You .

I miss my mommy. She is/was all that I had and have in this life. I lost my home in 2018 August. She cannot come back only in a memory treasure chest. I can hear her ever so slightly. What if I forget her? Is she looking at me now ? God I hope yes and no. I feel as if I missed my potential in the last few years. I stop writing because I was getting lovin’. I thought I was achieving a particular aspect of my life that didn’t require sad writing which has been my best writing.

I have never learned to harness the power of feeling into creating only in sorrow. I began to wonder is artistry is only truly beautiful when in pain.

It can be done without. I have refused to know probably out of fear of not having my anxiety of anxiety with me . It is my oldest comrade. I have to end our relationship. I know how just not sure of the why. I must give my anxiety closure so it cannot return. So it doesn’t follow my social media under an allies , stalk my daily routine or sabotage me to get revenge.

Dear Anxiety,

You have been a close relation of mine since I was a child. I remember you being there when I wanted a father. When I felt invisible to my mom because my younger sister required more attention. When we moved every few years, never having roots outside of Jamaica. When I had my first infatuation and planned our life together, as well as my 2nd, 3rd all the way to the one laying near me now. He is blissfully sleeping . He is blissfully not our last. Better I say he is our last . I am leaving you with him or you can be free.

I cannot take you with me anymore ; you stunt my judgement. You scare me from risk and push me into solitude of another kind. I need space to know me without you. The virus is making me think of what needs to be corrected in me. Who I need and who I cannot be with anymore…. I am breaking up with you. For my sake of growth. For the possibility my mother is watching me . I believe she is watching me. She is always saying my smart girl always doing crazy things. She laughs showing her big pearly whites. She had the best laugh. I can see her now doing it. – I miss her.

So I got to let you go.

You have taught me much. You have pushed me against my natural instincts. You have shown me what damage you can do to a body and a soul- you are strong .

Good bye.

Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.

Anaïs Nin