I have to admit I do not think I will ever be able to experience a true relationship with differences and similarities involved in being a “we” instead of an “I”. I think I will never reach this place. I know they say never say never, yet never feel accurate with my track record. This pinnacle that many people reach in a relationship or at least I believe they are in the right direction; I feel is out of my realm. I am alone. I have tried and complicated many opportunities for a possible happily ever after only to some how feel alone even in the dating-relationship stages. I feel that my potential in this department becomes weaker every year.
How do I deal with these feeling of being possible alone for maybe the rest of my days? I am not sure. I just know its time I admit I cannot function right to have a beginning in a relationship .I sabotage me. I wish it was abandonment issues with my father or neglect yet I a not sure what is the true source of my unwilling and afraid nature of accepting a life joined with another person outside of family
In many occasions I blame it on my introverted nature , yet that is not fair. I think of times I speak out and expression my feelings which get me labeled as crazy. Then if I hold everything inside I feel trapped and let things fade out in an unresolved way which I then I re-enact in my mind what I should have said or done. I need to be the protagonist of my story and not a viewer. I do not have a fairy tale life nor a hard knocks life. I just have a life in transition with ambiguous potential and I have no clue how to utilize it. What can I do about it? figure me out and maybe I can reach a beginning of where I start forming me.