Over the last few years my grief has capsulated me into a space where I am unable to feel . I have been walking in a haze wondering when the days will end. I ask myself why and create responses that reflect facts and aggressive fiction. I have issues with my self-esteem. I see every incident as a sign that shows abandonment . I have allowed moments of clarity keep me treading water while the other moments I am just floating in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean with no sight of land for miles. I just float in an endless brilliant sun and waves that kind of cradle me instead of pulling me under.

I have been living in the scene unable to process the next steps with a clear mind and spirit. My ancestors have been cradling me , mainly the ones that crossed the great sea and chose freedom in the depths of the sea and the ancestors who escaped into the mountains and brought our traditions with our gods to the new world of the Caribs. My ancestors may not have been great fighters yet they found a way to stay alive and they have been keeping me from sinking. My mother has joined them and I hear her saying ”mommy loves you “. Its what she said every time we were together about to part ways. She said it in every message as well , Hi, its mommy in all her messages.

This is her favorite time of year. It was mine too and still is which makes it feel conflicting. I have lived with unprocessed grief and have forgotten how to keep her alive in my soul. I forget to soak the fruit for cake, to buy a tree , to play cheesy music and watch atrocities Christmas’ movies. I just sulk. I stopped hosting , creating a space for community that felt safe and freeing. I just walked out the door to sink into grief.

Grief has had an easy passage since I have dealt with bouts of depression for years. I have had moments where I never left the bed , just sleeping because in my head I felt seen , well, loved and successful. I have struggled for years. I pretend in public, thanks to taking theatre classes for a year. I pretended so much that now I am tired and say fuck it.

I scare people now. I am honest and clear on how I feel . I say what is hurting to those who are closest to me. I let people know that I have moods. I get nervous if I am overwhelming and try to balance who gets which parts of what is heavy on my soul. I have people that know how hard this month is for me. How it would be full of light and sensory endorphins to now bleakness and grey skies.

People that thought they were my friends , have left me because I am no longer “fun” because I cannot hid anymore. I am open now because I need help. I am open now because staying closed could cause my final chapter to happen. I have dreamed a particular dream for years where a death of some kind is coming for me and I run but not really. I had it again however this time and embraced it . This threw death of course and hesitated to attack me . It came to me slowly only for me to kill it. I want to live and proclaimed it . I want to live for my ancestors hard work and for me. This is my present to myself. To live for me because floating will eventually give me a horrible sunburn which would ruin my velvety chocolate skin plus the pruning could become permanent. I have decided to swim towards the next step in a vast body of water that currently hasn’t land in sight.

Will I find land , hopefully. If I don’t at least I have started to swim. The waves have always been kind to me all these years. I think they want to me to explore.