Rambling IV

The writer who never writes can never  be complete.  I  have no idea if someone has said this but it came to me .  I have been getting opportunities to really be a writer , at least a solid novice writer and  I am scared  so  I  either procrastinate on purpose or  is there  more to my fear of writing ?

I have never learned how to type properly despite it probably being a simple practice yet I find my fingers going all over the qwerty working and some how making the brainwaves that are my words into reality.  Go Brain!

The world is strange and unusual. I find myself lost in a relationship and with friends and yet  I am so happy about these moments I forget to document them the same way I documented my misery.  Thankfully I  have photos yet what is the sense that the emotion that gives me pain I remember yet the simple , chill moments I always wanted -I  ignore or barely give a moment to reflect. I am Twisted !

this ramble is complete …  sort of

Foolish Daughter

How can I be so powerful yet so dependent on the affections of a man? How is it so? What is the curse that I “believe ” in what he thinks, feels, and understands … he is just a man. What is the curse that I take so much more meaning of his feeling towards me, that have some how overrided MY feeling and attitude about me.

How can this be? My body can carry life, harbour it until it is ready to leave the shore. I am the power, the nature, the nurture, the magic. I am so lost on this constant cycle I experience , as well, women I know.

He is not all, yet I make him so.

I am still the little girl waitng for her daddy to really fight for her.  He never did nor will he. He is content in his  inadquate space in my life. He is not trying to be more. He never tried. I know daddy issues are my key problem. I know he never was a fighter. He was never a brave man.

My dad  just exist.

I see this reflected in my relationships. I want bravery. The little girl in me knows her dad is not a defender yet she keeps hoping. The woman in me pushes on and yet is still holding hands with the little girl ..waiting to see.  If maybe.

In all the debacle, the mother is left holding the world in one hand and her children in the other. The children , especially the eldest, me. I take for granted so much of what she did and does because I was waiting on my dad, to be brave.

I neglected the true warrior. The bravest, boldest, gentliest human ever-my mother. The true life force. I kept looking past her and not at her. I was and am  a foolish daughter.

I am lucky .  My mother is still alive. I am given time to rectify the misguidance of my younger self. Hopefully, it  will start to reflect in my relationships.

I love both my parents. But I am in love with my mother.

 

Fairy Tales

It’s hot in Roma. It is so hot the choices are 1) stay at home in your underwear and drink everything cold in the house, never  use the stove because that will make heat  2) go away –far away from  Roma  3) go to the beach daily if you cannot afford to travel or  you have time to use before your vacation 4) Stand still.  I chose option 3- the beach is what i did for a week or so , more or less. I spend my days burning my already brown skin ( with SPF 30) until was completely even.

Ostia is easily accessible by train. The station is Piramide in Ostiense. It’s about 40 minutes from beginning to end . Then a 10-15 minute  bus ride, depending on what type of beach you fancy. My fancy is the free beaches that are closer to the end. Ostia doesn’t have picturesque beaches. Its a usable beach that works.

I went for a few days to pass the time sometimes solo or with friends. I am so tan right now my mother is going to have many words for me when I see her in a few days. Anyway, I was at the beach, trying to practice my weak swimming in peace when a man decided he should invade my space. Like a true shark he swam around me for about 2 minutes getting closer and closer  and then  creating dialogue.  He ask formalities and I answered with short answers. Then he decided to talk about the beach. “This beach is used also by nudist:”

Me:  I know I see them.

Man: I usually am too

Me: Good for you

Man: Would you like to try to?

Me: Why are you so uninviting?

Man: it is perfectly normal,….in fact i will do it now…( HE took off his shorts in the water) ………He was standing there feeling proud in his unclothing .

I turned and swam away. On the sand my friend asked me if she just saw what I witnessed..I shook my head yes.  We sat in silence.   The man comes out the water , puts on his pants and disappears for some time. When we are settled and relaxed , like a shadow, the man appeared.  I was getting ready  to responded when the couple beside us jumped in and told him to go away. He left for good. This is Roma.

I am a woman of color. I have many experiences of highs and lows of living here.  This is just one encounter that was UBER extreme. Overall, my experiences have been graceful and respectful. This guy was the first to just disgust me and I am sharing it.  When men ask if I am Brazilian , it’s more due to what they know of black culture. Despite watching all modern programs , music artists and pop culture…a large group of Italians are still un-evolved on foreign women. It is not only dark skin women in this boat. I am only mentioning my experience.

I have met normal guys here , yet as in all things the asinine encounters really stick with me.I don’t let them become my personality  I just don’t forget. I have on many occasions confront them , which makes them run. Having a strong character is a must here.  I have a great love for Italy in a whole . I love the feel of living in this ancient slightly modern world. I just have no desire for romance, which many women find here , as the Italians call it EAT PRAY LOVE moment.  I would love to have such a moment even a temporary one. This would  require a brave guy to rise from the non-commitment, mammoni , bubbled culture.  It sounds impossible …however I still believe in unicorns.

varco 3

Merry, Merry

It is a strange feeling when you travel and return home, excited to see friends and family and seeking some comforts from home.  Seeing  your family and friends they ask about your adventures and how amazing it must be living in another country, especially Italy. You talk and answer questions for a few hours; talking about the splendor yet making them aware of the hardships that surround the ancient world of romance thus ruining the images that films have created of how  “amore filled” adventures cascaded from the sky from the gods.

This is the scene day one and maybe day two afterwards you are you to them again; the only difference you have been somewhere. Then Christmas begins and the real traditions start. And the usually statements begin…….

-“SO…. , no boyfriend yet?

-“when are you going to get married , you’re not young anymore?”

-“You DO like men, RIGHT?”

-“I would think some guy over there would marry you ”

-“well, maybe one day you will meet someone…,,,,,,,hopefully”

-“You DO want children?”

-“well , how do think you will meet a man when you keep running them away”

-“Dress up more”

It goes on and on .

I am an adult yet these moments happen , my parents thankfully are NOT the culprits of this just the rest of the family and some friends ( the- married -and -second- kid- on- the- way-friend) have disapproved of my lack of skills in “capturing” a man.

I feel pressured.

I leave the room, walk away from the conversation, or go for a walk. I hate this part and always will.

I just want to return to Italy now, where this part of my life doesn’t happen. Even though I do want a partner, I have no clue how to “capture” one to the point of marriage  and/or children. I just want some one that will  automatically warm my feet in the winter under the covers.  I am not skilled in the art of seduction or whatever is required now a days to attract a mate.

My family and friends they mean well, it’s their way of showing concern ( I hate it) yet I still love them. This has been the way of expressing concern for centuries.  It is not the best way yet it has made it to 2014 and counting.

holiday-workout

Ramble III

I have to admit I do not think I will ever be able to experience a true relationship with differences and similarities involved in being a “we” instead  of an  “I”. I think I will never reach this place. I know they say  never say never, yet never feel accurate with my track record. This  pinnacle  that many people reach in a relationship or at least I believe they are in the right direction; I feel is out of my realm. I am alone. I have tried and complicated many opportunities for a possible happily ever after  only to some how feel alone even in the dating-relationship stages. I feel that my potential in this department becomes weaker every year.

How do I deal with these feeling of being possible alone for  maybe the rest of my days? I am not sure. I just know its time I admit I cannot function right to have a beginning in a relationship .I sabotage me.  I wish it was abandonment issues with my father or neglect yet I a not sure what is the true source of my unwilling and afraid nature of accepting a life joined with another person outside of family

In many occasions I blame it on my introverted nature , yet that is not fair. I think of times I speak out and expression my feelings which get me labeled as crazy.  Then if I hold everything inside I feel trapped and let things fade out in an unresolved way which I  then I re-enact in my mind what I should have said or done.  I need to be the protagonist of my story and not a viewer. I do not have a fairy tale life  nor  a hard knocks life. I just have a life in transition with ambiguous potential and I have no clue how to utilize it.  What can I do about it? figure me out and maybe I can reach a beginning of where I start forming me.

Lover

My lover is missing, for I cannot find him. Actually, I haven’t met him, yet. “Yet”is all I can say to keep hope alive. “Yet , yet, yet ” I hope this phase will finally end and my lover will be. My lover is what I want and need. Why is this concept so hard to achieve? My friends want husbands and boyfriends and I, my lover.  My lover to share a warm bath with, to travel with, to read to,  to kiss, touch, to love and share a bed every night.
My lover is missing.