Thrifting

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I have a new toy and it’s beautiful! I am going old school for the new year, actually starting today. I will be using a film camera, which is already complicated since film is not popular, I am not sure how to use this camera yet and I need a darkroom. The darkroom is not a necessity, yet what is the point of having such a beautiful camera and not developing the film myself. Also, I love thrift  stores, not for the clothes, although they do have an okay selection in Atlanta. I love thrift for books, lockets and now cameras.

 

Dreaming

I am a dreamer.  I can tell you almost every dream I had since I was dainty little tomboy with wild hair destroying almost every dress my mother put on me. I find dreams to be  mysterious and an adventure. I have always enjoyed listening to the adults talk about their dreams and how it relates to an island superstition. I love these stories or as scholars call them “folklore”.

I miss telling my grannies and my great aunts my dreams ( God rest their 4’5 in souls). When you told them your dream , you had to give detail , nothing could be left out.   Then the memories of interpretation would happen, pulling out a old Bible with shaky cursive writing, a note would be made in the front , back,side page or something would be referenced and poof a meaning. My ancestors were great interpreters, I find myself missing the stories from my youth. While many kids were read Cinderella , I had tales of mermaids, spirits and what the beating of a tamarind drum could  do. There was no censorship in my house. God, the Devil and all in between was told.   At times I was fearful yet , I stayed up most nights to hear.

Now, I have been dreaming in a vivid way. My dreams have felt fast forward, as if I am peeking into my future with a slight blur. I can see yet I cannot see, it is frustrating. In the past this has happen  to me. It feels like deja vu, when  the day dreamed  happens I literary stop what I am doing, it is an eerie feeling.

I need a dream interpreter. Since I live in the good ol’South, my chances are very slim on finding a person to swap tales with. I tell my mom , but she knows as much as I do. I tried to Google dream interpretations online,  they all read too new age for me; which I find utterly wrong  ( by Caribbean standards). The true test for me  regarding a good interpretation is a death and a marriage.  A death means a marriage or a  new beginning and a marriage means a death or and end.  Should these two mean something totally different I cannot follow it. I am brainwashed and it’s unwashable. Since many of my “grans” have passed on the meanings of my dreams go untold, and left to my  acculturated logic.

So I just dream and wonder.

Tomato, ToMato

The best way to spend a rainy, chilly Saturday in Georgia. Throwing tomatoes at total strangers and friends, who have had a lot of beer before noon. Atlanta had running with the Bulls and Tomato Royalb food fight, it was good. First, for all the PETA  people, it was not like Spain.  The bulls rain for a max of six minutes with cowboys. The people that participated, really shouldn’t have because it was like being at a cowboy show in the corral.  There was nothing going on. It made little sense. The animals were completely safe.

The tomato royale, was kind of dangerous; I got hit! And it hurt. They had some green tomatoes in the  bunch. Otherwise, it was a blast. I fell on people, was covered  with tomato juices and had an orgy of a good time.

 

I ramble

This world, this life, it  scares me. The capacity of what the human mind can fathom , inspire , destroy and  create  a constant roller coaster ride with hidden doors, clear windows and shadowy nights.  The beauty that has developed naturally in this world  is  slowly fading away as the population increases. I am privileged; I have a life of lazy security. I am a sarcastic ass of sorts  yet somehow at the same time  highly introverted. I am gentle, I cry over everything that is emotionally moving to me ,passive even.  Somehow I lost my way.

I am not truly happy with what I am doing in life. I come from a tiny world barely a spec on the map. A country of third world standards then I was raised in this big world of advancement, modern, credit cards that I use to buy things I barley use and reality t.v (which I do find appalling)  and along the way I lost what really mattered to me. I forgot what I dreamed about when I was little. I had such a plan for myself  and although , I am doing some descent things I am not on the right path.  This is what happens when I meet some also from a third world country, who has endured a fate unimaginable in my life span. Who’s story stirs my core, awakens my soul and  I feel shame. Every time I meet someone who has overcome a major feat that truly put them at deaths’ table. I feel as if I should be more because my path was easier than theirs. What happen? Each encounter veers me more and more back onto the path of little me , with big dreams.

I forgot how special every day is , even the mundane 9-5 ones. How to enjoy the moon and stars at night when I can see them. Sunsets and sunrises, cooking new dishes for the first time and burning some of them.  I have become a drone of life. I don’t want to be this way. So I am taking risk. As the US is going through a crisis I am going to quit my job. It is okay work, provides yet I have reached a place where I can close my eyes and zombie through my routine. I am scared. I am scared of being always on repeat and never on play. I am scared  and excited of not knowing what I will do next. I am scared because it’s natural.   This is good because the fear motivates me for what ? only tomorrow knows

Fear makes Us feel our humanity   Benjamin Disraeli

What are you?

I am not sure where I belong.  I   fit slightly yet I am still out of  the realm. I live in the United States, where I am reminded through my cultural ways I am still an outsider with papers.  I have even a worst time living in the south , where I some how stand out even more.  I know it is natural to be different , just how different am I?

I recently went home to celebrate my grandfather’s 90th birthday. He is such an inspiration, he keeps a positive attitude while he takes care of our half land, the house,  calls all of  us all on his cell phone,  and travels all the while missing my grandmother who passed away ten years ago.   I miss him so  when I am away yet he can smother you when close by and  I love him.  I was talking to him about belonging because when I go home I am ostracized a bit since I live in the United States. My culture is blended and somehow it’s not enough. I am either too much of the other never seen as neutral.

Leaving Jamaica was never my choice, I was a child. I never understood how important  a visa could be until now, when I see what I am able to do compared to many of my cousins back home.  At times, I felt like I had to be uber-Jamaican just to reassure  myself I am , what I am . Whenever I am back home  I hear comments in side conversations that jab at my American life, while in the states I feel like I have to represent just to preserve my culture. 

In a way,  this is why I find cultures fascinating. I am a anthropologist  without a degree, I like learning about different people , how they live , what life is like , and pick up a bit of the language.  My Papa, he told me all I can do is live my life and love people. Simple.  I can do this. I struggle with this because I somehow want to fit . Where? I have no clue . I just want to fit and not be always a foreigner.  

Boys with Breast

So my sister is watching TV as I am practicing my facial expressions in the bathroom for a business portrait.  She calls me to come look at something.  This is how I learned that Risperdal can give boys’ female breast.

Is it me or does it not make you think about Bob  from Fight Club and his rack…..

The More You Know….

Pork and Pig are different?

In my family pork is and was a no-no. We were raised messanic Jewish. This may sound strange to outsiders , yet common in the island. However, there was no formal name for this, just apart of island heritage.
Jamaica has numerous religions to date, the basics are: Rastafarian, forms of Christianity and Obeah (pagan voodoo).  As history books state Columbus sailed the ocean blue, landed in my country and ruined shit. My orginal ancestors in the carib were dealt the same fate as the native Americans-destroyed by unbathed, yet overly righteous people from across the Atlantic. As the years of struggle began, the fights escalated, changes progressed and christianity found a home in Jamaica along with British training. This is my land.
Back to the point , pork is a no-no for me. I have had it on rare  occasions and everytime I end up dating my bathroom. So I usually tell people I don’t eat pork, if they are really confused I tell people I am a vegetarian.
I currently reside in the south, Atlanta to be exact. Home of the fried and bbq. This where French fry is a vegetable(not kidding), cobbler pies and some pregnant women enjoy eating white dirt aka corn starch and where mega-churches are everywhere. I work at a hospital that is so drama filled, I contemplate getting sued just to write about the strange that I am immersed in.
Working here I see the vast differences between north and south, cultures and values that at times I look too heathen or too uppity. I have never truly fit,yet I endure for reasons I will not explain.
There is a big dialog-vocabulary confusion at my job, especially when understanding the similarity of pork and bacon,sausage,ham,ribs,pork chops.
It all began like this;there was a Muslim  patient who called me because he was given sausages patty for breakfast. I told him I will call and get him a different breakfast. I called the kitchen and told them the patients’ chart states no pork. The person on the other end says okay. Time passess a new tray arrives, it has bacon on it. I am confused. I tell the girl he eats no pork. She tells me okay.  The third go around  sausage links (how are sausage links different from sausage patty, I Don’t Know)! I gave him cereal and milk that is in the mini fridge.
I am so confused now regarding the defintion of pork. So I take a breathe and call the kitchen. I ask, “why every breakfast you sent had pork on it?” The manager apologize and told me that lunch will be better.
He got a big piece of ham for lunch to go with peas and mashed potatoes.  I call and ask, do you know what pork is?
Answer: bacon
Me: and what else?
Answer: the sausage patty
Me: and ham and any other name you know. They all come from pigs. Pigs aka Pork are the same.
Please stop giving this man pig!
Answer: gotcha. I didn’t realize it.

Okay, I think success finally! I again gave him mini fridge food, again apologize and told him dinner will be better.
He got a pork chop, I begged his doctor to change his diet to vegetarian because my head hurts. Problem Solved.

I have dealt with this confusion in different venues in Atlanta. A friend told me once,”I had a big breakfast with eggs, fruit, bacon sausage and grits”. I said that’s a lot of pork in the morning. She told no they are different. 

It never ends….

I am a big girl now

I am an introvert that says “smart-mouth” things countless times. Outside of my mouth courage,  I have self-esteem issues, I assume everyone does. A friend  did some photos of me, as nervous as I was….I am cool with the results. I am no super model, …but….

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……this is not too bad with no Photoshop.

Sparky

I watch a bit of world from the eleventh floor at work. Today the sky is clear blue with hints of cloud coverage in the far background, possible smog arising. As I  look at the buidlings and the people walking below a balloon appears.
It’s shiny royal blue just floating away and up. It’s a tranquil sight. As it soars pass me , I just admire how fast and quickly it soars with the sun sparkling off of it.
Now the ballon, that I will name “Sparky” is leaving me, soaring pass the eleventh floor, the eighteenth and pass all buildings. It’s just sky and “Sparky”, with a few thin, see-through clouds; don’t remember the name; going up. It is quite beautiful to watch until I thought about further heights.  Sparky may cause harm to a bird who was just minding his bird business and gets tangled.  Or Sparky will lose pressure, fall and  pollute somewhere and know one will care.
Oh, the endless downturn  of events that await  Sparky.